South America by bus....for dummies

Couldn´t have said it better myself.

After 300 plus hours spent on buses in South America, we would like to impart some of our knowledge to you. Below you will find some handy hints and some of the common sleeping positions to make your journey that little bit extra special...

You´re welcome.

1. ¨THE MIDNIGHT STRANGLER¨: 

So,  you want to drown out that screaming baby or snoring old woman on your overnight bus by listening to your ipod?! BEWARE. You will most likely wake up in the morning with your ipod cord wrapped around your neck, not knowing how it got there. 

Yes, you successfully found sleep. But you want to wake up eventually, right?!

2. ¨THE 30 HOURS ON THE SAME BUS¨: 

This position should come naturally to most people travelling on those long haul routes through the Andes. The basic principle of this position is a simple overflow of hatred of the bus you have been stuck on for a day and a half with that snoring guy behind you and that other guy talking on his phone for 3 hours straight at 3am. At this point, it is only normal for any tourist to scream irrationally at the windows, ¨LET ME OFF, LET ME OFFFF!!!¨ Don´t hold back.

Ensure you sit near a fire escape or door for perfect execution of this position.

3. ¨THE PRE LUNCH LUNCH BREAK¨:

Only possible in Brazil, this position can be used many times throughout one single bus trip. In Brazil, the buses are constantly stopping for food breaks. You can never be quite sure what each break is for exactly, but eating is usually the key here. Be prepared to stop at least once every hour. You will find yourself sitting alone in the bus, looking at your watch and wondering if you will ever in fact make it to your destinations. You may require a long 5km run after realising with dismay that throughout your journey you ate 6 pastels and 4 Tapoicas all deep fried in oil.

4. THE BRACE POSITION:

An oldie but goodie. Especially useful on roads in Bolivia and Peru, where you feel as though the bus may accidentally drive off a 4000m high mountain at any time. Note: the person in front must have their chair upright, so this position is mostly impossible on South American buses.

5. ¨THE SUGAR HIGH¨

A great bonus provided on buses in Argentina is a food service, just like on a plane. However, beware that the menu options include only: sugar, sugar, sugar and more sugar. Breakfast on these buses must surely be keeping the whole Argentinian Sugar Industry alive. It includes: a coffee with around 10 teaspoons of sugar (already added for extra convenience), a sugary cake filled with sugary cream and a biscuit coated in (you guessed it) sugar. While the sugar high is not always welcome at 6am in the morning while pelting down the highway, remember. You are travelling on a budget. Embrace it.

6. ¨THE ESKIMO¨: 

So, you´ve long since packed away your winter wear in the bottom of your bag, favouring the bikini and short shorts that you now wear around those sizzling hot towns in Brazil?! This position is especially useful for YOU my friend.

 Those locals lining up for the bus with sleeping bags under their arms in the outside 35 degree heat are not as crazy as they first appear. Especially useful in Brazil, where the air conditioning on buses is often blasted to arctic temperatures. TAKE WARM CLOTHES.

7. ¨THE JACKPOT¨

A very rare occurrence but something that needs to be jumped upon STRAIGHT AWAY. A seat has freed up next to you. Do you politely sit there and offer it up to the old lady who just got on the bus?! NO. You are not going for a nobel peace prize here, you are trying to get to your next destination with a good amount of sleep. IMMEDIATELY lie across the empty seats before some young guy with a beat box sits down next to you and keeps you awake for the next three hours while you dream of lying down.

8. ¨THE SPACE INVADERS¨:

An especially awkward position if you are sitting next to a stranger but common on overnight buses. Do not be surprised if you wake up with someone else using you as a pillow. This is a natural sleep reaction and you should not be alarmed. Always take care when removing the space invader, as they may not have had as much sleep as is required to NOT act like a three year old child.

9. ¨THE BOBBING FOR APPLES¨: (video)

The most common of positions found on South American buses, this position is keeping Chiropractors in business all over the world. Especially prevalent on buses where the seats do not recline. Duct taping your forehead to the seat behind you is a good solution to this problem.

10. ¨THE FOETAL POSITION¨:

When all hope is lost; your ipod is running out of battery, the kid behind you won´t stop crying, you´re on your tenth pre lunch lunch break, the bus driver can´t understand your cries for help in broken Portunal, this position is a good last resort. Simply wedge yourself between the over reclined chair in front of you and your chair, which doesn´t recline at all and rock yourself to sleep. Soon you´ll feel like you´re in a better place.

11. ¨THE BRAVE HEART¨

The holy grail and arguably the most important position of all. When you finally get off that bus and breathe in that first lung full of fresh air, you must hold your arms up and yell, ¨FREEEEEEEEDOMMMM¨ like Mel Gibson´s line in the movie Brave Heart. That long treacherous bus ride will instantly be forgotten once this move has been executed.

And that´s all you need to know my friends. Follow these eleven easy steps and your bus travel in South America will be nothing but a dream.